Psychological games in relationship – Two blades sword
Have you ever thought about the meaning of the psychological games in relationships?! If you don’t have the answer, we prepared something very useful for you. Stay with us ’till the end of this article to learn something extraordinary.
They were in the late twenties when they met. From the very beginning, they felt that they wanted to spend their lives together. They loved to talk, discuss various topics, watch movies, walk and cuddle. Simply enjoyed each other. She would prepare the finest supper for him, and he would pay attention to it in tiny ways – kisses while cooking and gentle hugs when they “met” in the hallway of the apartment.
What future brings?!
She knew he was very gentle and had problems with noticing details, but it did not bother her so much now. He knew that when she was nervous, she sparked for something he had not done. Most of the time they wore the blemishes of the other, with occasional quarrels in the most stressful moments. For example, if he was told to stay longer at work, he would be tired of it and just sit in front of the TV and rest.
As it seemed to take a month, she would miss their time and began to grumble. Why he must work so long, why he has to leave things behind him, why not talk to her and so on. When she started asking questions, the conversation often turned into a quarrel. And the quarrel gave them feelings of distance from each other, disappointment, sadness, anger, additional frustration, and question – why did they fight again?
After such an exhausting quarrel, she told herself she did not want to become like her mother who constantly criticized her husband for a multitude of everyday things. On the other hand, he was focused on solving the current problem and did not think about what their relationship might look like in the future.
Have you ever had a conversation with another person after you thought – “Why is this always happening to me?”; “I thought you were different from others but ..”; “why does this thing repeat all the time ?!”. If you felt surprised how a situation is happening if you have felt hurt, angry, sad, disappointed and the like, and at the same time you know that this did not happen for the first time, then you may have played psychological games.
One of the most popular concepts in the field of transaction analysis is the term “psychological games”.
In 1964, Eric Berne’s book entitled “Games People Play” was released, placing enormous interest among the readers. “Psychological Games” describes the patterns of communication, behavior, feelings between two and more people who repeat themselves over and over again, bringing players to relieve the bad beliefs about themselves, others and in general about life.
“Games are a compromise between intimacy and avoiding intimacy.” – Eric Berne
What is interesting is that we differ in the games we play, that is, each of us has its own favorite game. What’s even more interesting is that we find other people – players who know how to supplement our game. Just because we contribute to the game itself, even when the people we communicate with are changing, or if the situation in which we find ourselves changes, if we do not change ourselves, our game patterns will remain the same and we’ll eventually back ask – why is this happening again ?! Moreover, during the game itself, people often do not realize that they have gone into their own trap.
Furthermore, what is characteristic is that we always stay with the same feeling when the “game” ends and contains a moment of surprise or confusion. During the “game” at the social level, the level that everyone can perceive, hear, see is a conversation, while at the psychological level, “players” send unconscious messages that are crucial to end the conversation so that both players feel bad.
Family Changes and Psychological Games
With the arrival of a child into a family, the situation changes. Sometimes, partner expectations can also change. According to the Gottman Institute survey, as many as 69% of new parents have conflicts, they are disappointed in each other and feel hurt. Namely, with the arrival of a baby, many parents expect major changes in the daily rhythm, but often do not think about how the baby will affect each one individually and their relationship
The future is here
That happened to couple from the beginning of this story. She knew that he’s unable to notice the details. Some things were irrelevant to her – for example, running errands, taking all the baby’s things out while going out and a bunch of other similar, everyday things. Also, she knew that Martin he would do what she asked, but she had to ask for it every time. He knew that she was very responsible, but that responsibility was sometimes overwhelmed.
In addition, they knew that they were different in temperament – she was loud, persistent, quick in contemplation, while he was more relaxed and quieter. Before the arrival of the child, their difference in temperament, some unfulfilled expectations, and similar problems had occurred in rare situations when they were under great stress. But the baby has brought her stress – many sleepless nights, illness, eternal housework, financial problems, her own emotional needs, and many other parental challenges.
As the days time went by, they began to move away from each other.
Slightly, they became a part of ever more muddy memories. She began to recognize that, despite her promise, she increasingly resembled her mother – began to criticize him more, expect him to take part of the concern around the household, but more than that – to become like her. On the other hand, he became increasingly nervous and more energetic.
They started fighting every day. In the most intense controversy, while she mentioned what she was all about, she actually sent her an unconscious psychological message – “I’m better than you.” On the other hand, he ignored her message in an unconscious manner and responded to her nonverbal actions on her as follows: “I am bad, I just disappoint everything around myself”.